Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
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HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.