Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
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Can Happiness buy money?
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?