before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
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Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.