The USS B port
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“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.