The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
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This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown