The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
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I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
As the Lord intended
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host