If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore