[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
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i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.