Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
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If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Incredible customer service.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.