SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
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[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist