Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
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when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus