If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
You Might Also Like
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy