I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
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“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is