What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
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The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”