Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
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I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Cucumbers Anonymous
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
It’s an epidemic…
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it