*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
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a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.