No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
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I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
584.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR