So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
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Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
scares
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water