Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
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Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.