Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
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[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go