I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
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{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Left at a local drug store…
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.