I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
You Might Also Like
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
synchronized noseblowing
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.