“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
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The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Have a lovely day 😊
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
I think we should hear other voices.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.