*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
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I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Has science gone too far?
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”