Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
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Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should鈥檝e kept that secret, huh?
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Festive toon…
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 馃幍Sweet Caroline馃幍
From a distance: 馃幍Bah bah bah馃幍
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i鈥檝e seen.
So it turns out ghosting doesn鈥檛 work on credit card companies.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She鈥檚 clearly ready for adulthood
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
鈥檓 intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When鈥檚 dinner?
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Me: I won鈥檛 eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.