which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
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Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?