[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
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If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]