Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
You Might Also Like
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!