Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
You Might Also Like
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Oops I deleted….
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.