[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
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Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
it was a valiant fight
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
#CatsOnTwitter
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Autocarrot sucks!