You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
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OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Need WebMD
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
They’re the worst 😩
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
sensitive skin
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.