Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
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[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
satan: not today, microsoft teams
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
This sounds bad:
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Doormats are a gateway rug.