if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
You Might Also Like
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
What an awful time to have common sense.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.