holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
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I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
do u think theres a butter planet?
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
[montage of me giving-up]
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.