Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
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My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that