I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
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[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Cucumbers Anonymous
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
I wanna be friends with this person
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
At an art museum and I thought this was art
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine