I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
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When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
watergate? u mean a dam??
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”