One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
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The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.