X-tra spooky blend
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this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.