Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
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In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
ME (calling my horse with no name):
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I get distracted pretty eas
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Holy crap this is wonderful
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.