If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
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I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.