“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
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*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.