The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
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I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this