Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
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Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Still cracks me up
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.