Ok who’s got my black socks?
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“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Boom, boom, ching!
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.