When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
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Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Leaving the Barbers like
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”