[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
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4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.