Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
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“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.