“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
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Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.