When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
You Might Also Like
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Not my job 😂
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
thanksgiving in nutshell
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.